8.49 Minute Miles

So this is what getting in shape feels like.

I was running today and feeling really weighted and tired. I marvelled at how hard it was.

I don't really try to push myself. If I see a girl my age running ahead of me, I definitely try and pass her, but I'm not really trying to get a fast time. I'm just a little competitive. Plus the girl today had a beautiful long ponytail. I wasn't standing for that.

Then I listened to my iMapMyRun app and at four miles it said, in the sultry, disjointed female voice, "34 minutes." That's almost a minute faster than my usual time. So I pushed a little harder and hit 44 minutes for my five mile. That's 8 and a half minute miles on average for five miles. Didn't think I could do that.

Maybe this is about proving myself to myself.

In other news, I met with a teacher at the Neighborhood Playhouse yesterday. The Neighborhood Playhouse. It was kind of freaky to be there, after seeing the Meisner documentary about a million times and taking class at Playhouse West for two years. Pretty freaking cool.

I'm starting class on Thursday if I can get my schedule worked out. Maybe I'll reward myself with a trip to Target.

Or maybe Ill just save up my rewards for a couple weeks from now.

Everything I know about procrastination I learned from Hamlet

Somehow this has become a blog about running. Running has become the only solid thing in my life that I can control. It is an achievement in a world where achievements are few. Its one thing I can do everyday and consider myself accomplished.

Meanwhile, I am not acting. I am not acting. I am not acting.

HOWEVER. I do have a meeting with a teacher from the Neighborhood Playhouse. This is the first step.

Steps:

(things to do by January 20th)

1. Have my hair fixed. It's red-brown now and I remind myself of a golden retriever.
2. Have an APPOINTMENT for new head shots
3. Give Michael all of my reel information
4. Interviewed/audited for two schools or BE in class
5. Memorize one contemporary dramatic monologue (I think I picked one)

Focus. Focus. Focus.

In running news I did a different route today around Greenwood Cemetery. Not a great run. The sidewalks are full of industrial debris and too many hills. I also think there is a big jail there. Or else its a high school. I did it though.

Almost to 9 min miles.

40 miles since Jan 1. Ok I'll stop.

I get to be proud about one thing in my life.

Greenwood Cemetery.

Don't be fooled into thinking you can run all over it and enjoy the company of the dead.
No joggers.
Run around in the trash outside the iron gate.

Full Force and 30 miles

The time of "I am adjusting" is over. There is no time for "Im going through a breakup" so we are getting going now. Every time I look at Backstage I feel like I am a week behind the world. If I had just been ready last week. Let it be that I never feel that way again.

So I am moving forward. Ahead. Through it. Accelerate through the chaos. Though I am beginning to think that the last one is misinformed. I need headshots. I need monologues. I need my hair fixed. I need class. I need a reel. I need to get this all done now.

The time is now.

I feel especially tough when I come back from a run looking like this:



30 miles in 7 days. We are so on track this time.

46 Days

So I am getting very nervous about leaving. I still haven't told my boss (though I thought 30 days notice would be WAY more than enough, right?) I am really enjoying my acting class, and I am scared to go in and tell my managers and agents.

What I am saying is this: I haven't made any changes that I can't undo. Even the rental truck reservation isn't binding.

I need to be bold. A bold woman would act.

Who is bold? Who can I look to for help? Oprah? Martha?

Class today was all about facing your fears. Not facing them, but RIDDING yourself of them. I am afraid. I am very afraid. I am so fucking afraid that it paralyzes me.

Ok that's enough

I did it.

I did it!!!! I went back to class! Unbelievable. I actually did it.

My heart was pounding so hard in my chest.

They let me come back to the advanced class. Why am I so afraid of the one thing I am good at??? Weird.

He said, "Its like you never left." Thank goodness!!

So I bought myself a dress at Urban Outfitters to celebrate.

Yay.

Step 2

Beginning today with the plan of not letting this "ticket" thing get me down I am going to go Playhouse West, audit the beginning class, and talk the teacher into letting me back in after a year.

The whole thing is a little terrifying. Mr. Carnegie scares me, but I am NOT a pansy. I am Emma. I am strong. I can do this. I WILL do this. I need to go back to class and fight again! Activities and doors here I come. I will prepare. I will be brave. No more being a PANSY!!

No. I dont want to do this. I want to do nothing today until my shift tonight. I want to maybe work for Bob* and then have all of tomorrow off. I dont want to go to class. I want to go see He's Just Not That into You. I want to sit on my gazankus and be sorry that I ruined my life by getting caught by the cops. Oh man. I reeeeeeally do not want to audit class and talk to Mr. Carnegie.

We'll you are going. I am going. Just like I forced myself to run today.

It's called discipline.

Steps (a table of contents)

Six and a half months until I venture across this wide country for the other side. I keep thinking of things I need to do before then. I have to tie up loose ends on this life before beginning to unravel another.

There are things I want to do in Los Angeles before I leave. Aren’t there? I have an ex-boyfriend who personifies everything that is good about this place. (Yes it all fits into one person). Every time I think about exploring Los Angeles I think of him. Stupid girl to date him. I really miss his friendship which is all I really wanted in the first place. When he asked me to be exclusive I had an anxiety attack. I often find myself in situations that I am too scared to get out of. Anyway I digress...or am I being too poignant?

Steps
1. Tell acting teacher and quit acting class. Step one: Accomplished

2. Go back to Playhouse and brush up.

3. Get out of debt. (I think I’m about $3000 in the hole to BofA and Wells Fargo)

4. Lose five pounds

5. Stock up on headshots (or get new headshots. Not sure 3. and 5. go together)

6. Complete The Artist's Way (which I have tried to do about sixty times. Do you think I can start where I left off?)

7. Get into the habit of RUNNING EVERY DAY!!! (this is a near impossibility, but it would probably make me ten times the person I am now)

8. Meet with manager and agent and end things cordially

9. Quit being such a freaking pansy.

Step one: Accomplished.

It was harder than I thought it would be because I underestimated Sam's kindness and strength of character. I forgot that he is a wonderful coach and a really caring person. He loves actors and understands us. He sees our blocks and fears. He really thinks I am a good artist. He keeps telling me that I "dont know how good I am." Oh man. I remained strong. He definitely didnt give me as much crap as I thought he would. He even supported the move to New York. I am becoming less of a wimp, I swear!

As far as acting technique, I know I need a little more work. I know I want to go back to Playhouse and chisel the corners some more. Torture myself. "You cannot have mercy on yourself as an actor," my teacher there once told me.

So I am going back to my difficult Meisner study so I can become a better vessel of truth.

Oh my God. I am really moving to New York.

By the way, sometimes I get a little dramatic.