Three days

I really did it. I sold my car. Finally and just in time.

Soon I will do a "how to (and not to) sell your car" piece but for now I am just happy that it is done. I almost couldn't believe it when I got out of the passenger's seat for the last time in the Ralph's parking lot. I looked back at my car and remembered the accident, the tickets, the hit and run; everything that cost me so much money and stress. No more. The car is gone. Goodbye and good riddance.



Tonight was also my last day of work. Also unreal. My boss gave me a free steak dinner and told me that I would be back: "Everyone comes back." I wont be back. That I know at least. If I come back to California it will be with a teaching degree and a husband. If I come back to California, all else will have failed.



Anyway, just need to pack my life up into tiny boxes in the next two days, and try not to let the final emotional breakdown destroy me.

Four Days

This is what I did today, besides start a mini bidding war and lose $250.

And work.

And not pack.

Enjoy...I did.

Five Days

I missed six days. I am still home having an anxiety attack over how the packing is going to get done in four days. Leaving in one hour for a six hour trip to Los Angeles. 

My last drive down the five to L.A. thinking that it is home. The last time I will feel like I am being ripped from the womb and thrown into a vat of hot tar.

Six days to get out of Los Angeles unscathed. 

I feel a storm coming.

Anyway the wedding this weekend was beautiful.

One Week

I am currently at my parents beautiful house (yes, again!) for the wedding of one of my oldest friends. One week left as a citizen of California. One week left of sleepless nights and selling my car and hoping upon hope that I don't lose it completely or make some kind of huge mistake.

Enough information.

I am just trying to post something every day before I leave. How do I feel? I feel excited today. I feel like I can handle it. Anyone ever read Steppenwolf? It used to be my favorite book but it has been so long. I understood from it that some people (Hesse is always pointing out that not all but SOME) are different, and usually mad somehow.  In Steppenwolf I remember understanding the struggle of the main guy to be between his animalistic self and the need to fit in with the society that disgusted him.  I am definitely some people. I am always struggling with becoming the fearless artist and crazy demon I know I am, and the very sweet, well mannered, harmless girl everyone knows and loves. Same with Demian. I think i am one of them, with the mark of Cain. Demonized a little. Not multiple personality but definitely f-ed up.

I digress.

Just relaxing tonight. Playing Myst on my fancy new Iphone and thinking about getting through the next seven days. Packing, selling the car, last days of work, last goodbyes, probably a lot of crying. I just need to keep my head on straight. It is so easy for me to lose it.

Goodbye Northern California

With any luck, I will be back when my animal self has settled down.

Eleven Days

Today we moved my little sister into her apartment. I have forced her to move by herself to Burbank. Very sad.

We had a nice time moving though.

I feel a skin shedding.

I am twenty-six, but maybe I am growing up. Maybe. Probably not, but its possible.

Thirteen Days

Today I bit the bullet and found my silly, floundering courage. I told my acting manager I was leaving. Of course, they were very supportive. They admitted they, themselves, are floundering in this hellish, hollow waste of a city, and I am "too talented to sit around waiting." Oh yeah, forgot I am going to New York to act. That's right. Theatre. I have let it sit on the back burner too long. Going to class is easy. Getting a job is an entirely different thing.

Anyway I digress...

Why is it I always expect a fight? Probably because I expect everyone to be my parents and make me feel guilty.

Being a person means making your own decisions and living with them. Maybe I don't make enough decisions. Time to grow up.

Here, finally, are some pictures of my new apartment. I know I am doing this now. I am not comfortable with it. Isn't that funny? In a few, short days I will be on the road, probably shedding wistful tears, and wondering still if I am capable of making decisions like these without ruining my entire life.

Eighteen Days

I just got back from home again with my car. I didn't mention that I didn't sell it and then thought it was a brilliant idea to fix it. I think maybe that was a mistake. I had to split the $3,300 fee on two credit accounts. I am in debt again and I something makes me think that I wont be able to sell my car. Fiddlesticks.

Eighteen days. I am hungover and extremely anxious. Work party last night. Kind of a goodbye, kind of not. Drank too much and acted bad. "Aren't you excited?? I am so excited for you." um...yeah. Excited. Why am I not more excited?

I am starting to freak out about all the money. Where am I going to find the money? I need to learn to pray I guess. Dear God, please may I have some money? Amen.

Sorry for the rant. I am off to work a double.

Old Car

New Car.

Wanna buy it?

I Hate Los Angeles...25 Days

What is the matter with me?

I went home this weekend. Going home makes me weak and sad and totally fucked up. I had to hold in tears the entire drive home. I had to hold in tears today at work and came home and cried all over my tie and apron. I am so lame.

Am I going insane? Is it this hard for everyone? Is everyone sick of me? I know the answer to that one. Yes.

Ok so I am trying to work this out. I think I miss being taken care of. My mom takes care of me when I am at home. I am just a weak little girl who wishes that people would be nicer. Ok no. Lets be honest. I wish people would buy me lots of things and dinner and iphones and trips to new york and also fix my car.

So I am having a pity party.

Bottoms up.

But if your home was here, wouldnt you be a little sad to leave?

You Know What I am Excited for?

In two weeks, the apartments on Craigslist could really be OURS.

Like this one...

this one...

this one...

or this one...

Feeling very healthy and excited today. Ever since my boss told me that he would do the same thing if he were my age, I have been much lighter. Does that mean I have "Daddy issues?"

Thirty-one days...

LACMA

Did you know that the Los Angeles County Museum of Art is free every second Tuesday of the month??



It is! Don't forget to get a ticket anyway. The people at the exhibits will have to go on furlough if you they cant scan your stupid ticket at the door.

My favorite thing about museums is usually the museum itself. There are some great staples: a wonderful wall of Andy Warhol prints, Michael Jackson and Bubbles (roped off to ward off people thinking about using it as a blarney stone), and a beautiful building housing exquisite Chinese art, but the design of a museum is what inspires me most. A museum is a sanctuary.



The LACMA is on Wilshire Blvd. which cuts right through Los Angeles proper and many of the things worth seeing. It is very crowded with childrens' groups and foreign tourists. The sculptures outside are enormous, bright and flashy. Eh. I like the Getty better. Maybe just because its on a hill away from the city. The LACMA feels like it has something to prove.

Right across the street from the Variety building! Shoot for the stars? Not quite.

So because I didn't get what I needed from the museum design, I will write of my favorite exhibit. It is called Fallen Star, 1/5 by Do Ho Suh. The artist created an enormous dollhouse in the form of a New York style brownstone with every detail installed. Each apartment had it's own character. The family with the bottom floor and big, bay window was almost rich with Victorian elements and lavishly decorated. The family on one of the upper floors had less money and clearly had children, who littered the walls with their favorite movie posters. A smaller Korean-style house wrapped in an orange cloth has collided with the bigger dollhouse. The floor is covered in debris from every family's destroyed rooms. A beautiful chandelier from the rich family's home mingles with magazines from the family with children, and works in progress from a tenant who was clearly a designer of some sort. I read an article in which Suh says the work is a "self-portrait"(latimes.com) exemplifying his move to the United States from Korea.

The artist and his work from this site

While I can't say I understand what it would mean to move to a different country as an artist and experience this kind of culture shock, the violence of the sculpture moved some empathy in me, touching on my current torrential uprooting situation.

I did it. It is happening.

The most wonderful experience today. I told my boss I am quitting and moving to New York. He was so amazing! He said if he was my age he would spend a year in each state! He would travel, he would experience America. I said I have been in So Cal for seven years and he said, "Yes. Its time."

He said he didn't understand why people stay here when they have nothing. I agreed with him.

He was all the supportive my family has not been able to be.

I cried with relief the entire walk home.





Thirty-seven days.

How to Sell Your Car Part II

Craigslist is so funny.

I just got two people in contact with me to buy the car. One person was just trying to get my information to a website and the other guy was much more legit.

Except that he put me on hold for two minutes...

He asked me about the damage on the car. I was honest with him, but he wasn't too happy. Ugh. He offered 10,500. Thats pretty good actually. ALMOST covers my loan.

This challenge is looking up!

How to Sell Your Car

Ok well I am not sure how to sell my car yet, but here is what I am doing so far:

I owe a pretty penny on this baby, but its less than the car is worth. I just got off the phone with THE nicest guy who told me I can't get the title from them until I pay them. Ok, so I have to sell this baby ASAP.

So I washed it,

bought signs for it,

and took its picture for the world wide web!

Here is what my car looks like now:



I got it professionally washed and vacuumed. Here is my ad on CRAIGSLIST

(Ok yeah, so I upped the price. The advice I got was to have a higher starting value so I could negotiate down to the $11,900 price. I really can't go for less than that because thats what I owe on the loan.)

My next idea is to shop it around to the myriad used car buyers... wish me luck!

Being Young and making mistakes

Oh man! I am trying to sell my car and finding it very hard! I am paying back a loan, so I don't have the title and its just a whole big mess. My parents never taught me anything.

I have time though. Right? And an appointment tomorrow at three! I was smart and set it up in the Ralph's parking lot near my house. Oh man. If I sell my car, I know its really happening.

Check my ad on Craigslist. Thoughts?

Wish me luck!

Bye bye baby.

okay okay

I told myself that if I allowed myself to wallow on my blog and get all morose, I would have to then do something productive. I did said that, didn't I?

Things to do in the next 44 days:

1. Fix car
2. Sell car
3. Send Michael off to NYC to look at apartments. (Michael is roommate. Name not changed! He wouldn't mind)
4. So...find apartment by proxy through Michael without losing mind and getting so scared that I have to pee twelve times before bed and then not even be able to sleep.
5. Kill poltergeist
6. Buy Hubcap a ticket for Catair
7. Have some kind of little dinner or party to say goodbye
8. Make sure sister gets set up with new roommate
9. End things with manager
10. Quit job at THIRTY DAYS
11. Go to two weddings
12. Pull $2000 out of thin air
13. Pack all my stuff up
14. Find mind and lock it securely in my head
15. Plan out road trip across the country
16. Find some balls and put them on
17. Let go.

45 Days

Checking in! Today is a good day! With the mantra given to me by Robin, "I will be bold!" I am facing the day with aplomb.

Getting excited for east coast winters; the trees turning colors, the snow. Reading my Martha Stewart magazine and wondering if I can take a weekend trip to Maine sometime. I want to explore!

Meanwhile I walked three miles to my boyfriend's house because I locked myself out of my apartment. It was 102 degrees in the valley today. Not going to miss that.

So thinking positively and looking ahead! Its hard work sometimes.

June = Weddings

I may not have told you...I am not sure whether it matters to you or not, but...well...I am twenty-six years old. That may mean nothing to anyone. In Los Angeles it means I am over the hill unless I look very young (I do). In the rest of my life it means that I all my closest friends are getting married this summer. That is where I have been in June.

(oh. and i did two films too!)

But the weddings were amazing. My friends from home (Northern California) are amazing. I have yet to find as good of friends as the ones I made growing up, (except my current roommate and my best pal from college, Skip).

However.

My last day of "wedding vacation" Michael Jackson died, and I just about had a huge panic attack. This was the day I was going to be driving back to smelly old Los Angeles from very close to San Francisco, and I was losing it. Here is a little of my breakdown:

What am I doing with my life?
Why would I leave this area for anything?
I already miss my parents and they are getting older and I love them and I was blessed with such a wonderful family and friends in the Bay Area, why would I leave them?
Am I a masochist?
Is my boyfriend right for me?
Did I do everything right for Steph's wedding? Was I there for her? Did I screw up anything?
Is Barbara mad at me for not getting her in time to bustle the dress?
MICHAEL!!! MICHAEL!!! My childhood is crumbling before me!

This is a very weird transitioning period for me.

What if I moved back to San Francisco and became a teacher and lived in the city?

Man. How the HELL am I going to do this??

Maybe I should see a therapist...thoughts?

Tired, Annoyed and Slightly Inebriated.

Dear Emma,

Thank you for renting a truck with Penske. I’ve included your Rental Confirmation details below. Please take a moment to save this information and look over the details.

o Pick Up On: 8/28/09 8:00

At: Superior Auto Clinic

(818)762-0746

Pic from this website

Enough said.

Aroma Cafe

I haven't called any of my friends from college in a long time. I have become a hermit of sorts, seeing only my boyfriend, sister and roommate day after day. I decided maybe this isn't healthy.

So, I had lunch with my friends Sally* and Jessie* today at Aroma Cafe. They are old college friends who I used to get drunk at the clubs with. Oh how I miss my early twenties! Anyway recently I had kind of written them off for being immature and passive aggressive and other things I didnt like. Its not that they are bad people. They are wonderful, caring, very intelligent and talented women who I had forgotten that I loved.

Image from The California Bungalow Blog

(I will get my own pictures soon...on my list of things to do: bring camera everywhere.)

I was thinking last night about having a going away party. I know its three months away, but what I was thinking was that a lot of people wouldnt come. I haven't burned bridges, just let them go to disrepair, if you will. So I texted Jessie. And now I have friends again.

Something is happening. Maybe I am getting more mature or more needy. Either way, in this moment, I am happy to have seen my friends today.

Four and a Half months

Yeah so its been awhile. Its hard to stay with a blog that doesn't post every day. After awhile you feel betrayed. I get it. Thats how I feel sometimes.

What can I say? These days I am wondering what I am supposed to do in this savage limbo. Its four months until I make the biggest (mistake? triumph? or just...) move of my life, and what the hell am I supposed to be doing right now? I am certainly not trying to audition in Los Angeles. I should be. I havent gone back to class. Should be too (except for a tiny money and time situation that I have yet to figure out.)

I am still trying to lose weight and running a lot more. So thats good. I havent had any success but the fight is still on.

I am procrastinating. I am scared.

Ok, now that you have admitted it, what should you be doing?

Well if I am not going to class i need to work at home. I need to find at least six monologues to go to New York with. Three classical (all very different) and three contemporary. Ok.

I need to make money. (am doing this as much as possible. seriously. am replacing anxiety and worry with work. good thing i think, for now)

Lose weight (we already talked about this)

RENT THE TRUCK!!! This will be the FIRST STEP! The first COMMITMENT! We need to do this asap.

GET OUT OF DEBT. Ok so this goes with the money thing, but I really DO need to get out of debt. What would happen if I put all my credit into my debt? I am scared I would overdraw. I have to do the math. I don't like math.

To anyone who reads this blog: I promise it will get more interesting as the summer wears on. I will freak out more and plans will be made. I am especially looking forward to documenting our road trip ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY!! But I am waiting in purgatory for now, atoning my sins so I can go to New York with a clean slate.