Monday, August 31, 2009

New Mexico and Texas

Lots of driving. Lots of thinking, fantazing, working through stuff in my head. Watching the flatlands miraculously sprout enormous mountains. Watching the road be devoured by our truck.

I didn't realize how foggy the future would seem.

What the Hell is going to happen to me?

What the Hell just happened in Los Angeles?

Sunday, August 30, 2009


We're off!

On the road again. Our Penske truck is performing better than we imagined and my soul is beginning to settle a little. While driving yesterday, it finally hit me what I am doing. I am actually, finally moving to New York. The real thrill of that got me for the first time since I decided move in January.

Arizona is 113 degrees and dry as a bone. We stayed with my good friend Andy. Weary travellers are lucky to count on the hospitality of friends.

Next stop: Texas.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Zero hour

I am definitely doing it. The truck is packed, the miserable goodbyes have been said and I am waking up at my roommates parents house ready to face the road.

Arizona today. No more crying. What's done is definitely done. No going back. I am moving to new York city.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Three days

I really did it. I sold my car. Finally and just in time.

Soon I will do a "how to (and not to) sell your car" piece but for now I am just happy that it is done. I almost couldn't believe it when I got out of the passenger's seat for the last time in the Ralph's parking lot. I looked back at my car and remembered the accident, the tickets, the hit and run; everything that cost me so much money and stress. No more. The car is gone. Goodbye and good riddance.

Tonight was also my last day of work. Also unreal. My boss gave me a free steak dinner and told me that I would be back: "Everyone comes back." I wont be back. That I know at least. If I come back to California it will be with a teaching degree and a husband. If I come back to California, all else will have failed.

Anyway, just need to pack my life up into tiny boxes in the next two days, and try not to let the final emotional breakdown destroy me.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Four Days

This is what I did today, besides start a mini bidding war and lose $250.

And work.

And not pack.

Enjoy...I did.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Five Days

I missed six days. I am still home having an anxiety attack over how the packing is going to get done in four days. Leaving in one hour for a six hour trip to Los Angeles. 

My last drive down the five to L.A. thinking that it is home. The last time I will feel like I am being ripped from the womb and thrown into a vat of hot tar.

Six days to get out of Los Angeles unscathed. 

I feel a storm coming.

Anyway the wedding this weekend was beautiful.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

One Week

I am currently at my parents beautiful house (yes, again!) for the wedding of one of my oldest friends. One week left as a citizen of California. One week left of sleepless nights and selling my car and hoping upon hope that I don't lose it completely or make some kind of huge mistake.

Enough information.

I am just trying to post something every day before I leave. How do I feel? I feel excited today. I feel like I can handle it. Anyone ever read Steppenwolf? It used to be my favorite book but it has been so long. I understood from it that some people (Hesse is always pointing out that not all but SOME) are different, and usually mad somehow.  In Steppenwolf I remember understanding the struggle of the main guy to be between his animalistic self and the need to fit in with the society that disgusted him.  I am definitely some people. I am always struggling with becoming the fearless artist and crazy demon I know I am, and the very sweet, well mannered, harmless girl everyone knows and loves. Same with Demian. I think i am one of them, with the mark of Cain. Demonized a little. Not multiple personality but definitely f-ed up.

I digress.

Just relaxing tonight. Playing Myst on my fancy new Iphone and thinking about getting through the next seven days. Packing, selling the car, last days of work, last goodbyes, probably a lot of crying. I just need to keep my head on straight. It is so easy for me to lose it.

Goodbye Northern California
With any luck, I will be back when my animal self has settled down.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Ten Days

I am waiting in the Trader Joes parking lot for a prospective car buyer.

Time is running out big time. Three more shifts at work. People saying they will miss me. Hoping I find as good of friends as these. Hoping I can find a good job fast. Hoping I won't lose it.

I am finding as creating disturbing distractions.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Eleven Days

Today we moved my little sister into her apartment. I have forced her to move by herself to Burbank. Very sad.

We had a nice time moving though.

I feel a skin shedding.

I am twenty-six, but maybe I am growing up. Maybe. Probably not, but its possible.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Thirteen Days

Today I bit the bullet and found my silly, floundering courage. I told my acting manager I was leaving. Of course, they were very supportive. They admitted they, themselves, are floundering in this hellish, hollow waste of a city, and I am "too talented to sit around waiting." Oh yeah, forgot I am going to New York to act. That's right. Theatre. I have let it sit on the back burner too long. Going to class is easy. Getting a job is an entirely different thing.

Anyway I digress...

Why is it I always expect a fight? Probably because I expect everyone to be my parents and make me feel guilty.

Being a person means making your own decisions and living with them. Maybe I don't make enough decisions. Time to grow up.

Here, finally, are some pictures of my new apartment. I know I am doing this now. I am not comfortable with it. Isn't that funny? In a few, short days I will be on the road, probably shedding wistful tears, and wondering still if I am capable of making decisions like these without ruining my entire life.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Michael Found Our Apartment and Seventeen Days

You wont believe this, but it's true. My roommate found an apartment. I should have mentioned that he was in New York at all, but it has been a crazy couple of weeks, though I suspect its about to get a whole lot worse.

Michael found an apartment.
He found it.
It has been found.

There should be time made to revel in this excitement, but my messed up brain goes, "What about your car? You will never sell it," and "Where exactly is the money coming from for the security deposit?" Worry trumps excitement. So lets pause a minute and be excited.


It is in THE perfect area. Right between Prospect Park and the Greenwood Cemetary. My new joke is that Leonard Bernstein is my neighbor. My comic genius knows no bounds. The apartment seems perfect. The excitement is being bottled up to explode somewhere in Texas I am sure.

Also I got an IPhone. No, I cannot afford it. Yes. I feel guilty. Leave me alone. It is hardly a dent in the exorbitant amount of money that is about to fly out of my checking and credit accounts like bats.

Oh. And it is awesome.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


I really want to be able to blog on my road trip. Looking for a good blogger app.

Is this working?

This is a picture of my lost childhood btw. I am so dramatic and interesting.

Eighteen Days

I just got back from home again with my car. I didn't mention that I didn't sell it and then thought it was a brilliant idea to fix it. I think maybe that was a mistake. I had to split the $3,300 fee on two credit accounts. I am in debt again and I something makes me think that I wont be able to sell my car. Fiddlesticks.

Eighteen days. I am hungover and extremely anxious. Work party last night. Kind of a goodbye, kind of not. Drank too much and acted bad. "Aren't you excited?? I am so excited for you." um...yeah. Excited. Why am I not more excited?

I am starting to freak out about all the money. Where am I going to find the money? I need to learn to pray I guess. Dear God, please may I have some money? Amen.

Sorry for the rant. I am off to work a double.

Old Car

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I Hate Los Angeles...25 Days

What is the matter with me?

I went home this weekend. Going home makes me weak and sad and totally fucked up. I had to hold in tears the entire drive home. I had to hold in tears today at work and came home and cried all over my tie and apron. I am so lame.

Am I going insane? Is it this hard for everyone? Is everyone sick of me? I know the answer to that one. Yes.

Ok so I am trying to work this out. I think I miss being taken care of. My mom takes care of me when I am at home. I am just a weak little girl who wishes that people would be nicer. Ok no. Lets be honest. I wish people would buy me lots of things and dinner and iphones and trips to new york and also fix my car.

So I am having a pity party.

Bottoms up.

But if your home was here, wouldnt you be a little sad to leave?