Three days

I really did it. I sold my car. Finally and just in time.

Soon I will do a "how to (and not to) sell your car" piece but for now I am just happy that it is done. I almost couldn't believe it when I got out of the passenger's seat for the last time in the Ralph's parking lot. I looked back at my car and remembered the accident, the tickets, the hit and run; everything that cost me so much money and stress. No more. The car is gone. Goodbye and good riddance.



Tonight was also my last day of work. Also unreal. My boss gave me a free steak dinner and told me that I would be back: "Everyone comes back." I wont be back. That I know at least. If I come back to California it will be with a teaching degree and a husband. If I come back to California, all else will have failed.



Anyway, just need to pack my life up into tiny boxes in the next two days, and try not to let the final emotional breakdown destroy me.

Five Days

I missed six days. I am still home having an anxiety attack over how the packing is going to get done in four days. Leaving in one hour for a six hour trip to Los Angeles. 

My last drive down the five to L.A. thinking that it is home. The last time I will feel like I am being ripped from the womb and thrown into a vat of hot tar.

Six days to get out of Los Angeles unscathed. 

I feel a storm coming.

Anyway the wedding this weekend was beautiful.

One Week

I am currently at my parents beautiful house (yes, again!) for the wedding of one of my oldest friends. One week left as a citizen of California. One week left of sleepless nights and selling my car and hoping upon hope that I don't lose it completely or make some kind of huge mistake.

Enough information.

I am just trying to post something every day before I leave. How do I feel? I feel excited today. I feel like I can handle it. Anyone ever read Steppenwolf? It used to be my favorite book but it has been so long. I understood from it that some people (Hesse is always pointing out that not all but SOME) are different, and usually mad somehow.  In Steppenwolf I remember understanding the struggle of the main guy to be between his animalistic self and the need to fit in with the society that disgusted him.  I am definitely some people. I am always struggling with becoming the fearless artist and crazy demon I know I am, and the very sweet, well mannered, harmless girl everyone knows and loves. Same with Demian. I think i am one of them, with the mark of Cain. Demonized a little. Not multiple personality but definitely f-ed up.

I digress.

Just relaxing tonight. Playing Myst on my fancy new Iphone and thinking about getting through the next seven days. Packing, selling the car, last days of work, last goodbyes, probably a lot of crying. I just need to keep my head on straight. It is so easy for me to lose it.

Goodbye Northern California

With any luck, I will be back when my animal self has settled down.

I Hate Los Angeles...25 Days

What is the matter with me?

I went home this weekend. Going home makes me weak and sad and totally fucked up. I had to hold in tears the entire drive home. I had to hold in tears today at work and came home and cried all over my tie and apron. I am so lame.

Am I going insane? Is it this hard for everyone? Is everyone sick of me? I know the answer to that one. Yes.

Ok so I am trying to work this out. I think I miss being taken care of. My mom takes care of me when I am at home. I am just a weak little girl who wishes that people would be nicer. Ok no. Lets be honest. I wish people would buy me lots of things and dinner and iphones and trips to new york and also fix my car.

So I am having a pity party.

Bottoms up.

But if your home was here, wouldnt you be a little sad to leave?

LACMA

Did you know that the Los Angeles County Museum of Art is free every second Tuesday of the month??



It is! Don't forget to get a ticket anyway. The people at the exhibits will have to go on furlough if you they cant scan your stupid ticket at the door.

My favorite thing about museums is usually the museum itself. There are some great staples: a wonderful wall of Andy Warhol prints, Michael Jackson and Bubbles (roped off to ward off people thinking about using it as a blarney stone), and a beautiful building housing exquisite Chinese art, but the design of a museum is what inspires me most. A museum is a sanctuary.



The LACMA is on Wilshire Blvd. which cuts right through Los Angeles proper and many of the things worth seeing. It is very crowded with childrens' groups and foreign tourists. The sculptures outside are enormous, bright and flashy. Eh. I like the Getty better. Maybe just because its on a hill away from the city. The LACMA feels like it has something to prove.

Right across the street from the Variety building! Shoot for the stars? Not quite.

So because I didn't get what I needed from the museum design, I will write of my favorite exhibit. It is called Fallen Star, 1/5 by Do Ho Suh. The artist created an enormous dollhouse in the form of a New York style brownstone with every detail installed. Each apartment had it's own character. The family with the bottom floor and big, bay window was almost rich with Victorian elements and lavishly decorated. The family on one of the upper floors had less money and clearly had children, who littered the walls with their favorite movie posters. A smaller Korean-style house wrapped in an orange cloth has collided with the bigger dollhouse. The floor is covered in debris from every family's destroyed rooms. A beautiful chandelier from the rich family's home mingles with magazines from the family with children, and works in progress from a tenant who was clearly a designer of some sort. I read an article in which Suh says the work is a "self-portrait"(latimes.com) exemplifying his move to the United States from Korea.

The artist and his work from this site

While I can't say I understand what it would mean to move to a different country as an artist and experience this kind of culture shock, the violence of the sculpture moved some empathy in me, touching on my current torrential uprooting situation.

I did it. It is happening.

The most wonderful experience today. I told my boss I am quitting and moving to New York. He was so amazing! He said if he was my age he would spend a year in each state! He would travel, he would experience America. I said I have been in So Cal for seven years and he said, "Yes. Its time."

He said he didn't understand why people stay here when they have nothing. I agreed with him.

He was all the supportive my family has not been able to be.

I cried with relief the entire walk home.





Thirty-seven days.

Being Young and making mistakes

Oh man! I am trying to sell my car and finding it very hard! I am paying back a loan, so I don't have the title and its just a whole big mess. My parents never taught me anything.

I have time though. Right? And an appointment tomorrow at three! I was smart and set it up in the Ralph's parking lot near my house. Oh man. If I sell my car, I know its really happening.

Check my ad on Craigslist. Thoughts?

Wish me luck!

Bye bye baby.

My film

Ok so its not mine but its a little film I was cast in way back in February. Its a real film people! A REEL film! Get it? Ha! But seriously, it has a SAG budget and everything and I play Natalie, the makeup artist from Texas. It will be my swan song to Los Angeles film...for now.

Anyway I went to my fitting yesterday. I BARELY made it on time (well I BARELY made it ten minutes early. You HAVE to be early for these things. If you're not early, you're late. Seriously.) And the director and I have great chemistry. Just the back and forth and comfort kind. Its good. I think we will be pals. I tried on a couple of things and he took pictures and I signed the I9 and the W2 and whatever. It was good fun.

Not too exciting except that this is my first contract. My first REAL paid acting gig. I just wanted to say that. And I like the project and the director says its a shoe-in for Sundance so la di da. That would be nice. Utah in the winter is my all time dream. (Thats not a joke.)

Here's hoping ( my true occupation)

It's not Hollywood. It's Glendale, but it works.

Picture from this flickr photog.

Goodbye Neptune's Net

Neptune's Net is one of the best places in the Los Angeles Area. My boyfriend and I traveled to Malibu to experience it one last time. We relaxed on the beach and enjoyed the sun. Afterwards we went to lunch at this little shrimp joint overlooking the water. Admittedly, an ex-boyfriend introduced me to it. Said ex-boyfriend had a way of finding the best places in Los Angeles. For a time I could see real beauty in a lot of the little corners of this town. Of course, when current boyfriend and I went to Neptune's Net this weekend, we ran into said ex-boyfriend. This little biker restaurant overlooking the Pacific Ocean is his territory. I broke up with him. So we respectfully say goodbye to one of the most amazing places in Los Angeles.
Every time I go to Neptune's Net, there are a gazillion bikers parked out front drinking, smoking and feeling the breeze come off of the ocean. For some reason they all see fit to leave at exactly the same time. The roar of their motorcycles is deafening and amazing. I will probably sneak back here one more time this summer. It truly is a diamond in the rough.
And on a personal note. Do you ever see your exes and think, "Oh yeah...THAT'S why I dated you" and its kind of a relief? Ex-boyfriend in question is one of the most amazing people I have ever known. I wasn't romantically attracted to him. I wanted to BE him. He has an ability to be in the moment and appreciate little things that I really wish I had in myself. Ah. Memories of youth and mistakes past. Los Angeles has seen so many of mine...