The Strawhat Auditions

Failure number one.

The strawhat auditions are somewhat difficult to get accepted into. I know they personally didnt allow one of my best actor friends to attend. I was so excited to get accepted in November. A mass audition for a huge group of regional theatres ready to cast their summer stock! Something very prestigious? Something where a good job could be had for the taking.

Nope.

This was a mass audition so theatres could cast decent actors in their internship programs, make them pay almost $1,000 and have them move chairs all summer.

There were college musical theatre students EVERYWHERE. Warming up, hugging each other. Singing their Rents and their Wickeds and calling their moms talking about callbacks in the hallway.

They are in shape. I am not. This is something I very painfully came to terms with yesterday.

Not to mention all the good theatres left before monday.

Not that I felt great about my audition.

Shit.

Also I pretty much stopped running. I could blame the snow or too much work, but Ive stopped. I can feel it.

Crap.

The Strawhat Callback Wall 1pm
My name is on one of these.

One.

Check in.

The Empire State Building from the Empire State Building.
Would love to expand on this day. It was lovely. Too bad.

Still not sure where this blog is going; whether I should be more anonymous or what. I mean, I still live with my ex-boyfriend, have to keep a lot of secrets because of that. I would love to go into detail about my new escapades, and by escapades I use the root ESCAPE literally. Whatever that means.

Running has been difficult as I have had to put in almost sixty hour at my job to make ends meet, and guess what! They still aren't meeting. They should make a dating service for single ends to meet up at coffee shops. EndsMeet.com. Sometimes I hate myself.

I have a nice big juicy audition on Monday. Ninety seconds. Two contrasting monologues. I have decided to do very well. This is what I am working on today.

The alcoholic subway number asker guy didn't call me. Bastard. Maaaybe it's for the best. He was too young for me anyway. Ha.

Big storm on it's way in tonight. One of the cool things about living in New York City is that the weather is a real topic of conversation. It's this enormous thing that drastically affects all of our lives, and in discussing it, we feel a sense of community. The word on the street and in the news today is, "Yeah we missed it last time (meaning the little storm with the big hype that fell all over D.C. and barely flirted with New York City) but we wont be so lucky tonight." It makes me want to wax poetic on how storms are like relationships, you miss one...etc. Maybe storms and cities and ends should all find a dating service...

Can you tell that I am well aware Valentine's Day is Sunday?

8.49 Minute Miles

So this is what getting in shape feels like.

I was running today and feeling really weighted and tired. I marvelled at how hard it was.

I don't really try to push myself. If I see a girl my age running ahead of me, I definitely try and pass her, but I'm not really trying to get a fast time. I'm just a little competitive. Plus the girl today had a beautiful long ponytail. I wasn't standing for that.

Then I listened to my iMapMyRun app and at four miles it said, in the sultry, disjointed female voice, "34 minutes." That's almost a minute faster than my usual time. So I pushed a little harder and hit 44 minutes for my five mile. That's 8 and a half minute miles on average for five miles. Didn't think I could do that.

Maybe this is about proving myself to myself.

In other news, I met with a teacher at the Neighborhood Playhouse yesterday. The Neighborhood Playhouse. It was kind of freaky to be there, after seeing the Meisner documentary about a million times and taking class at Playhouse West for two years. Pretty freaking cool.

I'm starting class on Thursday if I can get my schedule worked out. Maybe I'll reward myself with a trip to Target.

Or maybe Ill just save up my rewards for a couple weeks from now.

Everything I know about procrastination I learned from Hamlet

Somehow this has become a blog about running. Running has become the only solid thing in my life that I can control. It is an achievement in a world where achievements are few. Its one thing I can do everyday and consider myself accomplished.

Meanwhile, I am not acting. I am not acting. I am not acting.

HOWEVER. I do have a meeting with a teacher from the Neighborhood Playhouse. This is the first step.

Steps:

(things to do by January 20th)

1. Have my hair fixed. It's red-brown now and I remind myself of a golden retriever.
2. Have an APPOINTMENT for new head shots
3. Give Michael all of my reel information
4. Interviewed/audited for two schools or BE in class
5. Memorize one contemporary dramatic monologue (I think I picked one)

Focus. Focus. Focus.

In running news I did a different route today around Greenwood Cemetery. Not a great run. The sidewalks are full of industrial debris and too many hills. I also think there is a big jail there. Or else its a high school. I did it though.

Almost to 9 min miles.

40 miles since Jan 1. Ok I'll stop.

I get to be proud about one thing in my life.

Greenwood Cemetery.

Don't be fooled into thinking you can run all over it and enjoy the company of the dead.
No joggers.
Run around in the trash outside the iron gate.

Full Force and 30 miles

The time of "I am adjusting" is over. There is no time for "Im going through a breakup" so we are getting going now. Every time I look at Backstage I feel like I am a week behind the world. If I had just been ready last week. Let it be that I never feel that way again.

So I am moving forward. Ahead. Through it. Accelerate through the chaos. Though I am beginning to think that the last one is misinformed. I need headshots. I need monologues. I need my hair fixed. I need class. I need a reel. I need to get this all done now.

The time is now.

I feel especially tough when I come back from a run looking like this:



30 miles in 7 days. We are so on track this time.

Thirteen Days

Today I bit the bullet and found my silly, floundering courage. I told my acting manager I was leaving. Of course, they were very supportive. They admitted they, themselves, are floundering in this hellish, hollow waste of a city, and I am "too talented to sit around waiting." Oh yeah, forgot I am going to New York to act. That's right. Theatre. I have let it sit on the back burner too long. Going to class is easy. Getting a job is an entirely different thing.

Anyway I digress...

Why is it I always expect a fight? Probably because I expect everyone to be my parents and make me feel guilty.

Being a person means making your own decisions and living with them. Maybe I don't make enough decisions. Time to grow up.

Here, finally, are some pictures of my new apartment. I know I am doing this now. I am not comfortable with it. Isn't that funny? In a few, short days I will be on the road, probably shedding wistful tears, and wondering still if I am capable of making decisions like these without ruining my entire life.

48 Days

I am getting ready to give my theatrical manger and my commercial agent the thirty day notice of my intentions to give them the boot.

Here is my letter so far. If anyone is reading this blog, please let me know what you think!


Dear Ari Gold*:

First of all I wanted to thank you for your support in the last two years. I really loved getting to know you and I learned a lot through our talks in your office. I especially enjoyed singing karaoke at your Christmas parties. Thank you for standing behind me as I started out my career in Los Angeles. Your encouragement has meant worlds to me.

I have decided to move to New York City, a dream I have been putting off since I was twelve. The time is right to make that leap, and I feel it is the best thing for me as an artist. Unfortunately it will mean the end of our business contract. I wish I could take you with me!

If you know of anyone I can contact in the Big Apple, I would appreciate it so much. I promise to keep in touch and when my first play opens, you will be the first people I send comp tickets to!
Thank you so much again for your assistance and education. I will be forever grateful that I could call myself your client even for a short period of time.


Should I also add, "To be honest, Ari*, you didn't really do THAT much for me. I mean, you did get me one audition for Cold Case and one for Cinderella Story 2, but that was in the first six months. What the hell happened? And then you started trying to get me to go in with you on this stock scheme and the Monavie crap? You guys pretty much sucked. Sorry."

Again, opinions would be greatly appreciated.

My film

Ok so its not mine but its a little film I was cast in way back in February. Its a real film people! A REEL film! Get it? Ha! But seriously, it has a SAG budget and everything and I play Natalie, the makeup artist from Texas. It will be my swan song to Los Angeles film...for now.

Anyway I went to my fitting yesterday. I BARELY made it on time (well I BARELY made it ten minutes early. You HAVE to be early for these things. If you're not early, you're late. Seriously.) And the director and I have great chemistry. Just the back and forth and comfort kind. Its good. I think we will be pals. I tried on a couple of things and he took pictures and I signed the I9 and the W2 and whatever. It was good fun.

Not too exciting except that this is my first contract. My first REAL paid acting gig. I just wanted to say that. And I like the project and the director says its a shoe-in for Sundance so la di da. That would be nice. Utah in the winter is my all time dream. (Thats not a joke.)

Here's hoping ( my true occupation)

It's not Hollywood. It's Glendale, but it works.

Picture from this flickr photog.

I did it.

I did it!!!! I went back to class! Unbelievable. I actually did it.

My heart was pounding so hard in my chest.

They let me come back to the advanced class. Why am I so afraid of the one thing I am good at??? Weird.

He said, "Its like you never left." Thank goodness!!

So I bought myself a dress at Urban Outfitters to celebrate.

Yay.

Four and a Half months

Yeah so its been awhile. Its hard to stay with a blog that doesn't post every day. After awhile you feel betrayed. I get it. Thats how I feel sometimes.

What can I say? These days I am wondering what I am supposed to do in this savage limbo. Its four months until I make the biggest (mistake? triumph? or just...) move of my life, and what the hell am I supposed to be doing right now? I am certainly not trying to audition in Los Angeles. I should be. I havent gone back to class. Should be too (except for a tiny money and time situation that I have yet to figure out.)

I am still trying to lose weight and running a lot more. So thats good. I havent had any success but the fight is still on.

I am procrastinating. I am scared.

Ok, now that you have admitted it, what should you be doing?

Well if I am not going to class i need to work at home. I need to find at least six monologues to go to New York with. Three classical (all very different) and three contemporary. Ok.

I need to make money. (am doing this as much as possible. seriously. am replacing anxiety and worry with work. good thing i think, for now)

Lose weight (we already talked about this)

RENT THE TRUCK!!! This will be the FIRST STEP! The first COMMITMENT! We need to do this asap.

GET OUT OF DEBT. Ok so this goes with the money thing, but I really DO need to get out of debt. What would happen if I put all my credit into my debt? I am scared I would overdraw. I have to do the math. I don't like math.

To anyone who reads this blog: I promise it will get more interesting as the summer wears on. I will freak out more and plans will be made. I am especially looking forward to documenting our road trip ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY!! But I am waiting in purgatory for now, atoning my sins so I can go to New York with a clean slate.

A Reading

I just came back from a reading for a screenplay that my friend, Josh, wrote. Josh and I went to the same college and are very fortunate to be good friends with some extremely talented film majors from our school. Our friend, David, got me my FOX Prime Time screen debut when he was a contestant on the TV show On the Lot.


(imdb.com)

I forgot how brilliant and amazing these people are. Josh's script is fabulous and so full of his own heart, integrity and wit that I could hardly believe it. It was so funny and wonderful. I was in awe. He always writes a part for me. I am always pleased and flattered like crazy. Brilliant people thinking you are worthy is great, right?

So today is a good L.A. day. The sun is shining and it is very warm outside. Traffic on the 405 was not too bad. It took me long enough to get to Culver City from the valley that I could talk to my best friend from San Francisco on the phone, and watch the Getty go by without getting in an accident.

I Love L.A. (sometimes)

Ok not really, but sometimes. I keep thinking that I should publish a post with all the things I do love about L.A. like...

1. My sister is here.
2. My amazing apartment
3. Griffith Park
4. The Getty
5. Jasmine in the spring (inspiration for this post today)
6. Hopeful artists from all over the world
7. The Farmer's Market at the Grove
8. The Ahmanson
9. The Hollywood Sign
10. The Central Los Angeles Library
11. Downtown Los Angeles
12. The way that the coolest places are hidden in strip malls and down alleys
13. Malibu beaches and Neptune's Net
14. The kids at Robert F. Kennedy Elementary School
15. Midori Sushi where the waitress knows me, my sister, my boyfriend, our drink orders and whether or not we want the usual.
16. My walk to work
17. Auditioning at Warner Brothers when the tour bus drives by and everyone thinks you might be somebody
18. Bill Handel and KFI 640 am
19. Trivia Nights at Pineapple Hill Saloon and Grill

I think I need one good picture of each of these things before I leave.

Next list...Things to experience in Los Angeles before I move the Heck away from it...

Autograph Request

So I got this email this morning with the subject titled "Autograph request." Now I am not a narcissistic person so I know its not real...but still. Weird.

"Hi I'm writing to see how I might get a color signed agency headshot for my son. He is a beginning cinematographer and part-time actor and is working on writing his first film script. He is finishing grad school this semester with degree in Radio/TV/Film.Can you honor this autograph request. May God bless youAJ"

Nuts.

New York "Thing"

Me...less defeated.

This New York thing might be my last chance.

I am a non-working actor in Los Angeles. I am disgruntled to say the least. It isn’t happening. I love acting. I love theatre. I think it is important, but somehow this business has not opened up to me in almost three years and I am tired. I do not want to schmooze agents and managers. I feel fake, which I cannot STAND.

I watch all these bridal showers and baby showers on the weekend. People get married. I want that so badly. My twenty-six-year-old heart and body wants CHILDREN and to make a HOME. And I am sitting in it thinking, "And what? You’re going to give all this up?" This WHAT??? This "professional waitress"ing like the horrible woman at trivia was so keen to tell me I am. I am not acting. I don’t even want to go to class. I don’t want to audition. I don’t want to do Los Angeles anymore.

Ha. Also my old acting teacher emailed me to remind me that I promised I would do a scene. I’m a big fat liar and a cheat and I’m a quitter and this sucks.

I feel like Alexander who had The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day. He was sure everything would be fine if he moved to Australia. Or am I Kate Winslet and Leo in Revolutionary Road? If I don't go to France... (trying not to spoil the movie)...bad things will happen? If you’ve seen it you REALLY know what I mean.

I have to go to New York. I have to give this thing one last shot. I can go for it in theatre there. I know that game much better.

But what if I fail? Worse...what if or how or when do I give up?

What if I could be really happy doing something totally normal and safe?

Step 2

Beginning today with the plan of not letting this "ticket" thing get me down I am going to go Playhouse West, audit the beginning class, and talk the teacher into letting me back in after a year.

The whole thing is a little terrifying. Mr. Carnegie scares me, but I am NOT a pansy. I am Emma. I am strong. I can do this. I WILL do this. I need to go back to class and fight again! Activities and doors here I come. I will prepare. I will be brave. No more being a PANSY!!

No. I dont want to do this. I want to do nothing today until my shift tonight. I want to maybe work for Bob* and then have all of tomorrow off. I dont want to go to class. I want to go see He's Just Not That into You. I want to sit on my gazankus and be sorry that I ruined my life by getting caught by the cops. Oh man. I reeeeeeally do not want to audit class and talk to Mr. Carnegie.

We'll you are going. I am going. Just like I forced myself to run today.

It's called discipline.

Day One

Yes. Yes I completed my three and a half mile workout. It was great. I am powerful. I am strong. I can do this. I can do anything!

This is why I NEED to be running. Get rid of the anxiety! Get rid of five pounds. Get rid of all the thinking and moaning and feeling shitty. Go for it. Be a fighter.

Fighter. I should put that on my workout list. Ok. On to the rest of the day. I just wanted to assure everyone that I did ONE thing I wanted to do today.

Today Im doing a screenplay reading for a friend who quit, moved back to the town where we went to college and has recently renewed his passion. Good for him. Maybe he started running...

Steps (a table of contents)

Six and a half months until I venture across this wide country for the other side. I keep thinking of things I need to do before then. I have to tie up loose ends on this life before beginning to unravel another.

There are things I want to do in Los Angeles before I leave. Aren’t there? I have an ex-boyfriend who personifies everything that is good about this place. (Yes it all fits into one person). Every time I think about exploring Los Angeles I think of him. Stupid girl to date him. I really miss his friendship which is all I really wanted in the first place. When he asked me to be exclusive I had an anxiety attack. I often find myself in situations that I am too scared to get out of. Anyway I digress...or am I being too poignant?

Steps
1. Tell acting teacher and quit acting class. Step one: Accomplished

2. Go back to Playhouse and brush up.

3. Get out of debt. (I think I’m about $3000 in the hole to BofA and Wells Fargo)

4. Lose five pounds

5. Stock up on headshots (or get new headshots. Not sure 3. and 5. go together)

6. Complete The Artist's Way (which I have tried to do about sixty times. Do you think I can start where I left off?)

7. Get into the habit of RUNNING EVERY DAY!!! (this is a near impossibility, but it would probably make me ten times the person I am now)

8. Meet with manager and agent and end things cordially

9. Quit being such a freaking pansy.

Bob*

Bob* is one of the reasons I know I have to get out of Los Angeles.

He is a sixty-year-old once VERY successful actor who had terrible knee injuries which led to nine surgeries, six months in the hospital, and virtual removal from Hollywood existence. You would recognize him if you saw him. He was on at least twelve very popular television shows as a recurring character. He did forty big budget movies, two of which you will have heard of. He knew so many people. I have seen the pictures. They don’t return his calls.

He sent a gumball machine to Jean Smart and Christina Applegate on Samantha Who? The card said: "To Jean: From your first onscreen kiss. To Christina: From your first onscreen clown. Call me and thank me. - Bob." We saw Jean Smart at a recent memorial for Milton Katselas, a well-loved acting teacher. She mentioned that the machine was near Craft Services. They never sent him a thank you.

You have to get pretty freaking famous in this town for anyone to remember you when tragedy happens. It is so easy to slip into oblivion.

He is a mess now. He sits in an easy chair in his dark house, watches television all day, and pees into a jug, which I remove and pour into the toilet. I know you don’t want a visual, but sometimes I’m not there the whole weekend and the stuff sits.

Monday jugs have chunks.

He is not trying to act again. He talks about it sometimes. He talks about making millions of dollars with network marketing and starting his theatre company up again. I want to ask him, why not just get in a wheelchair and go to auditions? If he wanted to act, he COULD. He is famous. He is a "name." People would cast him just for the comeback story. But he doesn’t. He sits in his chair and barks orders at me. He could make millions just doing a couple damn commercials for drug companies. I am honestly not sure why he doesn’t make more of an effort. Maybe it’s just too scary.

I am his assistant. I work with him two days a week dumping pee, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning and trying to keep my sanity while I help him with a network marketing thing he's doing.

Step one: Accomplished.

It was harder than I thought it would be because I underestimated Sam's kindness and strength of character. I forgot that he is a wonderful coach and a really caring person. He loves actors and understands us. He sees our blocks and fears. He really thinks I am a good artist. He keeps telling me that I "dont know how good I am." Oh man. I remained strong. He definitely didnt give me as much crap as I thought he would. He even supported the move to New York. I am becoming less of a wimp, I swear!

As far as acting technique, I know I need a little more work. I know I want to go back to Playhouse and chisel the corners some more. Torture myself. "You cannot have mercy on yourself as an actor," my teacher there once told me.

So I am going back to my difficult Meisner study so I can become a better vessel of truth.

Oh my God. I am really moving to New York.

By the way, sometimes I get a little dramatic.