I Once Was Lost

It's been awhile.

When I was young I would stop writing in my journal because some time had passed and I didn't want to have to do a big old "... Last Time in the LIFE OF EMMA..." and I don't really want to do that here because it will go unnoticed in the wash of archives. Plus this is mostly for me, and maybe I want it to be more professional. Not sure.

Obviously. I am becoming a teacher. On my thirtieth birthday, I was accepted into the New York City Teaching Fellowship for special education. I am a member of "Cohort 24" which sounds very intense, or communist. Comrade 24? Maybe it sounds like jail.

I have been waiting tables for the past forever years. Supposedly everyone in this program graduated from Harvard. How I slipped through I am not sure I will ever know.

Feel free to mourn for the loss of my desire to pursue acting in New York. I am not sure I feel like explaining that right now. It will all come out, or not. Maybe I can't explain...

So today is the NEW FELLOWS ORIENTATION!!! I have completed countless online classes, quit my job, freaked out about health insurance, gotten excited, gotten upset, decided this was my chosen path by God, decided I was making a huge mistake and today I am putting on a skirt and heading into the abyss. A new life. A big fat new start.

Maybe I'll document it. Maybe I'll get lost again. But for today I wanted to show up and say I'm alive and I am trying this new thing and if anyone wants to wish me luck that would be amazing because pretty sure no one reads this blog anymore and if they do they've been sorely disappointed for the past three years.

Hello again.

8.49 Minute Miles

So this is what getting in shape feels like.

I was running today and feeling really weighted and tired. I marvelled at how hard it was.

I don't really try to push myself. If I see a girl my age running ahead of me, I definitely try and pass her, but I'm not really trying to get a fast time. I'm just a little competitive. Plus the girl today had a beautiful long ponytail. I wasn't standing for that.

Then I listened to my iMapMyRun app and at four miles it said, in the sultry, disjointed female voice, "34 minutes." That's almost a minute faster than my usual time. So I pushed a little harder and hit 44 minutes for my five mile. That's 8 and a half minute miles on average for five miles. Didn't think I could do that.

Maybe this is about proving myself to myself.

In other news, I met with a teacher at the Neighborhood Playhouse yesterday. The Neighborhood Playhouse. It was kind of freaky to be there, after seeing the Meisner documentary about a million times and taking class at Playhouse West for two years. Pretty freaking cool.

I'm starting class on Thursday if I can get my schedule worked out. Maybe I'll reward myself with a trip to Target.

Or maybe Ill just save up my rewards for a couple weeks from now.

Everything I know about procrastination I learned from Hamlet

Somehow this has become a blog about running. Running has become the only solid thing in my life that I can control. It is an achievement in a world where achievements are few. Its one thing I can do everyday and consider myself accomplished.

Meanwhile, I am not acting. I am not acting. I am not acting.

HOWEVER. I do have a meeting with a teacher from the Neighborhood Playhouse. This is the first step.

Steps:

(things to do by January 20th)

1. Have my hair fixed. It's red-brown now and I remind myself of a golden retriever.
2. Have an APPOINTMENT for new head shots
3. Give Michael all of my reel information
4. Interviewed/audited for two schools or BE in class
5. Memorize one contemporary dramatic monologue (I think I picked one)

Focus. Focus. Focus.

In running news I did a different route today around Greenwood Cemetery. Not a great run. The sidewalks are full of industrial debris and too many hills. I also think there is a big jail there. Or else its a high school. I did it though.

Almost to 9 min miles.

40 miles since Jan 1. Ok I'll stop.

I get to be proud about one thing in my life.

Greenwood Cemetery.

Don't be fooled into thinking you can run all over it and enjoy the company of the dead.
No joggers.
Run around in the trash outside the iron gate.

Full Force and 30 miles

The time of "I am adjusting" is over. There is no time for "Im going through a breakup" so we are getting going now. Every time I look at Backstage I feel like I am a week behind the world. If I had just been ready last week. Let it be that I never feel that way again.

So I am moving forward. Ahead. Through it. Accelerate through the chaos. Though I am beginning to think that the last one is misinformed. I need headshots. I need monologues. I need my hair fixed. I need class. I need a reel. I need to get this all done now.

The time is now.

I feel especially tough when I come back from a run looking like this:



30 miles in 7 days. We are so on track this time.

Second Attempt

Ok so I failed the 100 miles in 30 days goal in December. Failed hardcore. I did get a nice little email from MapMyRun saying I am a loser but not to throw in the towel just yet.

So here I am going for a second try. Maybe second tries are my specialty. That's kinda what New York is all about for me. This time, however, I am stepping it up a notch. FIVE miles a day. It isn't that much different actually, and the course I run works much better for five miles.

I am at 15% since the first. 25 miles a week at least and I will kill this goal once and for all.

And don't think i am using this because I am afraid to find my way into acting here, because that's probably exactly what I'm doing. This is easy. Clear beginning, clear end, clear goal. I am working on transferring that. Just give me a little time.

Thirty Three Miles in ten days.

I have started a shameless love affair with Prospect Park.

I haven't just started running again.

I have thrown myself into it full force.

I am proud of this one thing in my life right now, so you people who run ten to twenty miles a day and are actually hard core can leave me alone about my little successes.

Prospect Park and Map My Run are my new trainers and I am on "track" (get it?) to running one hundred miles this month. 33% done.

I needed to do something to fight family meal and comfort eating, and it helps me clear my gnarled brain.

At least I think it does.

Then again, I am forgetting things lately, and just when I think I have certain thoughts under control they attack me. I lost my $90 metro card, Michael's camera charger, and camera (separately), and forgot to wear an undershirt running this morning.

There is another possibility: I am nuts.

Anyway, I am running!

And the IMapMyRun app lets me take pictures while I run! Aren't I productive?

Three days

I really did it. I sold my car. Finally and just in time.

Soon I will do a "how to (and not to) sell your car" piece but for now I am just happy that it is done. I almost couldn't believe it when I got out of the passenger's seat for the last time in the Ralph's parking lot. I looked back at my car and remembered the accident, the tickets, the hit and run; everything that cost me so much money and stress. No more. The car is gone. Goodbye and good riddance.



Tonight was also my last day of work. Also unreal. My boss gave me a free steak dinner and told me that I would be back: "Everyone comes back." I wont be back. That I know at least. If I come back to California it will be with a teaching degree and a husband. If I come back to California, all else will have failed.



Anyway, just need to pack my life up into tiny boxes in the next two days, and try not to let the final emotional breakdown destroy me.

Four Days

This is what I did today, besides start a mini bidding war and lose $250.

And work.

And not pack.

Enjoy...I did.

One Week

I am currently at my parents beautiful house (yes, again!) for the wedding of one of my oldest friends. One week left as a citizen of California. One week left of sleepless nights and selling my car and hoping upon hope that I don't lose it completely or make some kind of huge mistake.

Enough information.

I am just trying to post something every day before I leave. How do I feel? I feel excited today. I feel like I can handle it. Anyone ever read Steppenwolf? It used to be my favorite book but it has been so long. I understood from it that some people (Hesse is always pointing out that not all but SOME) are different, and usually mad somehow.  In Steppenwolf I remember understanding the struggle of the main guy to be between his animalistic self and the need to fit in with the society that disgusted him.  I am definitely some people. I am always struggling with becoming the fearless artist and crazy demon I know I am, and the very sweet, well mannered, harmless girl everyone knows and loves. Same with Demian. I think i am one of them, with the mark of Cain. Demonized a little. Not multiple personality but definitely f-ed up.

I digress.

Just relaxing tonight. Playing Myst on my fancy new Iphone and thinking about getting through the next seven days. Packing, selling the car, last days of work, last goodbyes, probably a lot of crying. I just need to keep my head on straight. It is so easy for me to lose it.

Goodbye Northern California

With any luck, I will be back when my animal self has settled down.

Eleven Days

Today we moved my little sister into her apartment. I have forced her to move by herself to Burbank. Very sad.

We had a nice time moving though.

I feel a skin shedding.

I am twenty-six, but maybe I am growing up. Maybe. Probably not, but its possible.

Thirteen Days

Today I bit the bullet and found my silly, floundering courage. I told my acting manager I was leaving. Of course, they were very supportive. They admitted they, themselves, are floundering in this hellish, hollow waste of a city, and I am "too talented to sit around waiting." Oh yeah, forgot I am going to New York to act. That's right. Theatre. I have let it sit on the back burner too long. Going to class is easy. Getting a job is an entirely different thing.

Anyway I digress...

Why is it I always expect a fight? Probably because I expect everyone to be my parents and make me feel guilty.

Being a person means making your own decisions and living with them. Maybe I don't make enough decisions. Time to grow up.

Here, finally, are some pictures of my new apartment. I know I am doing this now. I am not comfortable with it. Isn't that funny? In a few, short days I will be on the road, probably shedding wistful tears, and wondering still if I am capable of making decisions like these without ruining my entire life.

I did it. It is happening.

The most wonderful experience today. I told my boss I am quitting and moving to New York. He was so amazing! He said if he was my age he would spend a year in each state! He would travel, he would experience America. I said I have been in So Cal for seven years and he said, "Yes. Its time."

He said he didn't understand why people stay here when they have nothing. I agreed with him.

He was all the supportive my family has not been able to be.

I cried with relief the entire walk home.





Thirty-seven days.

How to Sell Your Car

Ok well I am not sure how to sell my car yet, but here is what I am doing so far:

I owe a pretty penny on this baby, but its less than the car is worth. I just got off the phone with THE nicest guy who told me I can't get the title from them until I pay them. Ok, so I have to sell this baby ASAP.

So I washed it,

bought signs for it,

and took its picture for the world wide web!

Here is what my car looks like now:



I got it professionally washed and vacuumed. Here is my ad on CRAIGSLIST

(Ok yeah, so I upped the price. The advice I got was to have a higher starting value so I could negotiate down to the $11,900 price. I really can't go for less than that because thats what I owe on the loan.)

My next idea is to shop it around to the myriad used car buyers... wish me luck!

Being Young and making mistakes

Oh man! I am trying to sell my car and finding it very hard! I am paying back a loan, so I don't have the title and its just a whole big mess. My parents never taught me anything.

I have time though. Right? And an appointment tomorrow at three! I was smart and set it up in the Ralph's parking lot near my house. Oh man. If I sell my car, I know its really happening.

Check my ad on Craigslist. Thoughts?

Wish me luck!

Bye bye baby.

okay okay

I told myself that if I allowed myself to wallow on my blog and get all morose, I would have to then do something productive. I did said that, didn't I?

Things to do in the next 44 days:

1. Fix car
2. Sell car
3. Send Michael off to NYC to look at apartments. (Michael is roommate. Name not changed! He wouldn't mind)
4. So...find apartment by proxy through Michael without losing mind and getting so scared that I have to pee twelve times before bed and then not even be able to sleep.
5. Kill poltergeist
6. Buy Hubcap a ticket for Catair
7. Have some kind of little dinner or party to say goodbye
8. Make sure sister gets set up with new roommate
9. End things with manager
10. Quit job at THIRTY DAYS
11. Go to two weddings
12. Pull $2000 out of thin air
13. Pack all my stuff up
14. Find mind and lock it securely in my head
15. Plan out road trip across the country
16. Find some balls and put them on
17. Let go.

48 Days

I am getting ready to give my theatrical manger and my commercial agent the thirty day notice of my intentions to give them the boot.

Here is my letter so far. If anyone is reading this blog, please let me know what you think!


Dear Ari Gold*:

First of all I wanted to thank you for your support in the last two years. I really loved getting to know you and I learned a lot through our talks in your office. I especially enjoyed singing karaoke at your Christmas parties. Thank you for standing behind me as I started out my career in Los Angeles. Your encouragement has meant worlds to me.

I have decided to move to New York City, a dream I have been putting off since I was twelve. The time is right to make that leap, and I feel it is the best thing for me as an artist. Unfortunately it will mean the end of our business contract. I wish I could take you with me!

If you know of anyone I can contact in the Big Apple, I would appreciate it so much. I promise to keep in touch and when my first play opens, you will be the first people I send comp tickets to!
Thank you so much again for your assistance and education. I will be forever grateful that I could call myself your client even for a short period of time.


Should I also add, "To be honest, Ari*, you didn't really do THAT much for me. I mean, you did get me one audition for Cold Case and one for Cinderella Story 2, but that was in the first six months. What the hell happened? And then you started trying to get me to go in with you on this stock scheme and the Monavie crap? You guys pretty much sucked. Sorry."

Again, opinions would be greatly appreciated.

I did it.

I did it!!!! I went back to class! Unbelievable. I actually did it.

My heart was pounding so hard in my chest.

They let me come back to the advanced class. Why am I so afraid of the one thing I am good at??? Weird.

He said, "Its like you never left." Thank goodness!!

So I bought myself a dress at Urban Outfitters to celebrate.

Yay.

Four and a Half months

Yeah so its been awhile. Its hard to stay with a blog that doesn't post every day. After awhile you feel betrayed. I get it. Thats how I feel sometimes.

What can I say? These days I am wondering what I am supposed to do in this savage limbo. Its four months until I make the biggest (mistake? triumph? or just...) move of my life, and what the hell am I supposed to be doing right now? I am certainly not trying to audition in Los Angeles. I should be. I havent gone back to class. Should be too (except for a tiny money and time situation that I have yet to figure out.)

I am still trying to lose weight and running a lot more. So thats good. I havent had any success but the fight is still on.

I am procrastinating. I am scared.

Ok, now that you have admitted it, what should you be doing?

Well if I am not going to class i need to work at home. I need to find at least six monologues to go to New York with. Three classical (all very different) and three contemporary. Ok.

I need to make money. (am doing this as much as possible. seriously. am replacing anxiety and worry with work. good thing i think, for now)

Lose weight (we already talked about this)

RENT THE TRUCK!!! This will be the FIRST STEP! The first COMMITMENT! We need to do this asap.

GET OUT OF DEBT. Ok so this goes with the money thing, but I really DO need to get out of debt. What would happen if I put all my credit into my debt? I am scared I would overdraw. I have to do the math. I don't like math.

To anyone who reads this blog: I promise it will get more interesting as the summer wears on. I will freak out more and plans will be made. I am especially looking forward to documenting our road trip ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY!! But I am waiting in purgatory for now, atoning my sins so I can go to New York with a clean slate.

Step 2

Beginning today with the plan of not letting this "ticket" thing get me down I am going to go Playhouse West, audit the beginning class, and talk the teacher into letting me back in after a year.

The whole thing is a little terrifying. Mr. Carnegie scares me, but I am NOT a pansy. I am Emma. I am strong. I can do this. I WILL do this. I need to go back to class and fight again! Activities and doors here I come. I will prepare. I will be brave. No more being a PANSY!!

No. I dont want to do this. I want to do nothing today until my shift tonight. I want to maybe work for Bob* and then have all of tomorrow off. I dont want to go to class. I want to go see He's Just Not That into You. I want to sit on my gazankus and be sorry that I ruined my life by getting caught by the cops. Oh man. I reeeeeeally do not want to audit class and talk to Mr. Carnegie.

We'll you are going. I am going. Just like I forced myself to run today.

It's called discipline.

Running = new label

Ran again today. Booyah!