Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Home for the holidays

First time home from New York. I was snowed in for the weekend with the rest of the east coast, and had the inevitable tantrum when, on my birthday, my flight and then my rescheduled flight were both canceled.

Then I cowboyed up, which is my new mantra for this twenty-seventh year of my life, and got myself dressed to go shopping in snow covered Manhattan. What a dream. Manhattan at Christmas! The thing I am beginning to learn about this island is that people revel in the struggles that befall the community. They love to greet each other with the latest frustration. "Oh the trains, right?" or "Can you believe this weather?" One quickly feels like she belongs. This is exactly where I am meant to be. At least sometimes I feel that. I feel it way more than I did in Los Angeles anyway.

So homeward bound I was, traveling business class because my mom accidentally booked me fancy for my flight home. Between two very similar chick movies and bottomless wine from Wente wineries, I relaxed through the turbulence and landed in San Francisco.

Most things are right where they are supposed to be right now. Who can ask for more? Well, actually there are a couple things I could ask for...but not now.

not now.

And I made it to seventy miles today. I am a little behind. Now to cram the last thirty miles in eight days!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Halfway There (or things I am learning from running)

Fifty miles today. I left my house having run forty-eight miles in fifteen days, and at the two mile mark (which is the most excruciating uphill point of my course) I made a feeble attempt at pumping my arms in the air in celebration. Fifty miles. After three more miles, I am halfway there. If I can complete this, I get a new pair of shoes.

It is still hard to force myself out into the world to run, but once I do I am flying. I am learning to recognize the voice that tells me its ok to stop and walk or just stop all together. I am learning to shut that voice down before it has a chance to speak. I am remembering Coach Walsh's words from cross country a million years ago; especially, "Pain is weakness leaving your body." I am working on abolishing weakness from my life, however slowly.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thirty Three Miles in ten days.

I have started a shameless love affair with Prospect Park.

I haven't just started running again.

I have thrown myself into it full force.

I am proud of this one thing in my life right now, so you people who run ten to twenty miles a day and are actually hard core can leave me alone about my little successes.

Prospect Park and Map My Run are my new trainers and I am on "track" (get it?) to running one hundred miles this month. 33% done.

I needed to do something to fight family meal and comfort eating, and it helps me clear my gnarled brain.

At least I think it does.

Then again, I am forgetting things lately, and just when I think I have certain thoughts under control they attack me. I lost my $90 metro card, Michael's camera charger, and camera (separately), and forgot to wear an undershirt running this morning.

There is another possibility: I am nuts.

Anyway, I am running!

And the IMapMyRun app lets me take pictures while I run! Aren't I productive?

Saturday, December 5, 2009


Smith/9th St Station - Brooklyn

My birthday is actually on the twentieth. But today Jason and I are going to the Modern to see the Tim Burton exhibit and Hamlet, AND it's probably going to snow

And since I do NOT want to turn 27, I'm considering today my birthday.

Happy birthday to me.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


I am pretty sure I have heard it said that moving is one of the top five most stressful events in life. Supposedly it's up there with babies and divorce.
So I fell into a little pit. I am out of it now.
New York City is a completely different world to me. The sheer intensity of it rocked me to the point of exhaustion and I actually fell asleep on the subway more than once.
So much is happening! All the time! Plus homesickness, self-doubt, and "did I do the right thing?" I was overwhelmed.
In the last few days I have felt myself finally come out of the fog. I have been running and taking pictures. I experienced an epiphany that I do belong here, a fact I have known since I was ten.
So I am accepting the sacrifices. I am accepting a few really great losses and I am accepting that I live in New York City now.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I did it and I disappeared.

I dont know why it has been such a repulsive idea to blog.

I think that whenever I accomplish something, I into a little depression.

Also...what to say? Im here. I am here.

I am here.

And its fall. The air has a crispness and a chill that I can only recall from my childhood.

...and the leaves are changing.

I got a job that works me to the bone. 48 hours a week at a restaurant. I have been working too much.

I also think too much.

But New York City...

...is unbelievable.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Going North Now

After one too many stays in Motel 6, we are done heading east and are on our way north. A few fights and tears found their way into the cab of our truck, but the road granted us the gift of Shelton Vineyards in North Carolina. We drank wine, slept well and took a long bike ride through the farmlands. I am recharged.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

New Orleans

Think Pinocchio when he was in the land of boy sinners. More on this later.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Sleepless in Austin

It's 12:30am here and I can't sleep. We are supposed to get up early and go to New Orleans tomorrow but I keep thinking of all I have left behind and what the Hell have I gotten myself into. The trip is fine. Everything is fine. I am having anxiety and freaking out. I feel lonely and trapped.

Also the famous Austin bats wouldn't come out from under the bridge for us. Why?

Monday, August 31, 2009

New Mexico and Texas

Lots of driving. Lots of thinking, fantazing, working through stuff in my head. Watching the flatlands miraculously sprout enormous mountains. Watching the road be devoured by our truck.

I didn't realize how foggy the future would seem.

What the Hell is going to happen to me?

What the Hell just happened in Los Angeles?

Sunday, August 30, 2009


We're off!

On the road again. Our Penske truck is performing better than we imagined and my soul is beginning to settle a little. While driving yesterday, it finally hit me what I am doing. I am actually, finally moving to New York. The real thrill of that got me for the first time since I decided move in January.

Arizona is 113 degrees and dry as a bone. We stayed with my good friend Andy. Weary travellers are lucky to count on the hospitality of friends.

Next stop: Texas.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Zero hour

I am definitely doing it. The truck is packed, the miserable goodbyes have been said and I am waking up at my roommates parents house ready to face the road.

Arizona today. No more crying. What's done is definitely done. No going back. I am moving to new York city.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Three days

I really did it. I sold my car. Finally and just in time.

Soon I will do a "how to (and not to) sell your car" piece but for now I am just happy that it is done. I almost couldn't believe it when I got out of the passenger's seat for the last time in the Ralph's parking lot. I looked back at my car and remembered the accident, the tickets, the hit and run; everything that cost me so much money and stress. No more. The car is gone. Goodbye and good riddance.

Tonight was also my last day of work. Also unreal. My boss gave me a free steak dinner and told me that I would be back: "Everyone comes back." I wont be back. That I know at least. If I come back to California it will be with a teaching degree and a husband. If I come back to California, all else will have failed.

Anyway, just need to pack my life up into tiny boxes in the next two days, and try not to let the final emotional breakdown destroy me.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Four Days

This is what I did today, besides start a mini bidding war and lose $250.

And work.

And not pack.

Enjoy...I did.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Five Days

I missed six days. I am still home having an anxiety attack over how the packing is going to get done in four days. Leaving in one hour for a six hour trip to Los Angeles. 

My last drive down the five to L.A. thinking that it is home. The last time I will feel like I am being ripped from the womb and thrown into a vat of hot tar.

Six days to get out of Los Angeles unscathed. 

I feel a storm coming.

Anyway the wedding this weekend was beautiful.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

One Week

I am currently at my parents beautiful house (yes, again!) for the wedding of one of my oldest friends. One week left as a citizen of California. One week left of sleepless nights and selling my car and hoping upon hope that I don't lose it completely or make some kind of huge mistake.

Enough information.

I am just trying to post something every day before I leave. How do I feel? I feel excited today. I feel like I can handle it. Anyone ever read Steppenwolf? It used to be my favorite book but it has been so long. I understood from it that some people (Hesse is always pointing out that not all but SOME) are different, and usually mad somehow.  In Steppenwolf I remember understanding the struggle of the main guy to be between his animalistic self and the need to fit in with the society that disgusted him.  I am definitely some people. I am always struggling with becoming the fearless artist and crazy demon I know I am, and the very sweet, well mannered, harmless girl everyone knows and loves. Same with Demian. I think i am one of them, with the mark of Cain. Demonized a little. Not multiple personality but definitely f-ed up.

I digress.

Just relaxing tonight. Playing Myst on my fancy new Iphone and thinking about getting through the next seven days. Packing, selling the car, last days of work, last goodbyes, probably a lot of crying. I just need to keep my head on straight. It is so easy for me to lose it.

Goodbye Northern California
With any luck, I will be back when my animal self has settled down.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Ten Days

I am waiting in the Trader Joes parking lot for a prospective car buyer.

Time is running out big time. Three more shifts at work. People saying they will miss me. Hoping I find as good of friends as these. Hoping I can find a good job fast. Hoping I won't lose it.

I am finding as creating disturbing distractions.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Eleven Days

Today we moved my little sister into her apartment. I have forced her to move by herself to Burbank. Very sad.

We had a nice time moving though.

I feel a skin shedding.

I am twenty-six, but maybe I am growing up. Maybe. Probably not, but its possible.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Thirteen Days

Today I bit the bullet and found my silly, floundering courage. I told my acting manager I was leaving. Of course, they were very supportive. They admitted they, themselves, are floundering in this hellish, hollow waste of a city, and I am "too talented to sit around waiting." Oh yeah, forgot I am going to New York to act. That's right. Theatre. I have let it sit on the back burner too long. Going to class is easy. Getting a job is an entirely different thing.

Anyway I digress...

Why is it I always expect a fight? Probably because I expect everyone to be my parents and make me feel guilty.

Being a person means making your own decisions and living with them. Maybe I don't make enough decisions. Time to grow up.

Here, finally, are some pictures of my new apartment. I know I am doing this now. I am not comfortable with it. Isn't that funny? In a few, short days I will be on the road, probably shedding wistful tears, and wondering still if I am capable of making decisions like these without ruining my entire life.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Michael Found Our Apartment and Seventeen Days

You wont believe this, but it's true. My roommate found an apartment. I should have mentioned that he was in New York at all, but it has been a crazy couple of weeks, though I suspect its about to get a whole lot worse.

Michael found an apartment.
He found it.
It has been found.

There should be time made to revel in this excitement, but my messed up brain goes, "What about your car? You will never sell it," and "Where exactly is the money coming from for the security deposit?" Worry trumps excitement. So lets pause a minute and be excited.


It is in THE perfect area. Right between Prospect Park and the Greenwood Cemetary. My new joke is that Leonard Bernstein is my neighbor. My comic genius knows no bounds. The apartment seems perfect. The excitement is being bottled up to explode somewhere in Texas I am sure.

Also I got an IPhone. No, I cannot afford it. Yes. I feel guilty. Leave me alone. It is hardly a dent in the exorbitant amount of money that is about to fly out of my checking and credit accounts like bats.

Oh. And it is awesome.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


I really want to be able to blog on my road trip. Looking for a good blogger app.

Is this working?

This is a picture of my lost childhood btw. I am so dramatic and interesting.

Eighteen Days

I just got back from home again with my car. I didn't mention that I didn't sell it and then thought it was a brilliant idea to fix it. I think maybe that was a mistake. I had to split the $3,300 fee on two credit accounts. I am in debt again and I something makes me think that I wont be able to sell my car. Fiddlesticks.

Eighteen days. I am hungover and extremely anxious. Work party last night. Kind of a goodbye, kind of not. Drank too much and acted bad. "Aren't you excited?? I am so excited for you." um...yeah. Excited. Why am I not more excited?

I am starting to freak out about all the money. Where am I going to find the money? I need to learn to pray I guess. Dear God, please may I have some money? Amen.

Sorry for the rant. I am off to work a double.

Old Car

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I Hate Los Angeles...25 Days

What is the matter with me?

I went home this weekend. Going home makes me weak and sad and totally fucked up. I had to hold in tears the entire drive home. I had to hold in tears today at work and came home and cried all over my tie and apron. I am so lame.

Am I going insane? Is it this hard for everyone? Is everyone sick of me? I know the answer to that one. Yes.

Ok so I am trying to work this out. I think I miss being taken care of. My mom takes care of me when I am at home. I am just a weak little girl who wishes that people would be nicer. Ok no. Lets be honest. I wish people would buy me lots of things and dinner and iphones and trips to new york and also fix my car.

So I am having a pity party.

Bottoms up.

But if your home was here, wouldnt you be a little sad to leave?

Thursday, July 30, 2009

You Know What I am Excited for?

In two weeks, the apartments on Craigslist could really be OURS.

Like this one...

this one...

this one...

or this one...

Feeling very healthy and excited today. Ever since my boss told me that he would do the same thing if he were my age, I have been much lighter. Does that mean I have "Daddy issues?"

Thirty-one days...

Monday, July 27, 2009


Did you know that the Los Angeles County Museum of Art is free every second Tuesday of the month??

It is! Don't forget to get a ticket anyway. The people at the exhibits will have to go on furlough if you they cant scan your stupid ticket at the door.

My favorite thing about museums is usually the museum itself. There are some great staples: a wonderful wall of Andy Warhol prints, Michael Jackson and Bubbles (roped off to ward off people thinking about using it as a blarney stone), and a beautiful building housing exquisite Chinese art, but the design of a museum is what inspires me most. A museum is a sanctuary.

The LACMA is on Wilshire Blvd. which cuts right through Los Angeles proper and many of the things worth seeing. It is very crowded with childrens' groups and foreign tourists. The sculptures outside are enormous, bright and flashy. Eh. I like the Getty better. Maybe just because its on a hill away from the city. The LACMA feels like it has something to prove.

Right across the street from the Variety building! Shoot for the stars? Not quite.

So because I didn't get what I needed from the museum design, I will write of my favorite exhibit. It is called Fallen Star, 1/5 by Do Ho Suh. The artist created an enormous dollhouse in the form of a New York style brownstone with every detail installed. Each apartment had it's own character. The family with the bottom floor and big, bay window was almost rich with Victorian elements and lavishly decorated. The family on one of the upper floors had less money and clearly had children, who littered the walls with their favorite movie posters. A smaller Korean-style house wrapped in an orange cloth has collided with the bigger dollhouse. The floor is covered in debris from every family's destroyed rooms. A beautiful chandelier from the rich family's home mingles with magazines from the family with children, and works in progress from a tenant who was clearly a designer of some sort. I read an article in which Suh says the work is a "self-portrait"(latimes.com) exemplifying his move to the United States from Korea.

The artist and his work from this site

While I can't say I understand what it would mean to move to a different country as an artist and experience this kind of culture shock, the violence of the sculpture moved some empathy in me, touching on my current torrential uprooting situation.

Friday, July 24, 2009

I did it. It is happening.

The most wonderful experience today. I told my boss I am quitting and moving to New York. He was so amazing! He said if he was my age he would spend a year in each state! He would travel, he would experience America. I said I have been in So Cal for seven years and he said, "Yes. Its time."

He said he didn't understand why people stay here when they have nothing. I agreed with him.

He was all the supportive my family has not been able to be.

I cried with relief the entire walk home.

Thirty-seven days.

38 Days

I planted the seed at work.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

How to Sell Your Car Part II

Craigslist is so funny.

I just got two people in contact with me to buy the car. One person was just trying to get my information to a website and the other guy was much more legit.

Except that he put me on hold for two minutes...

He asked me about the damage on the car. I was honest with him, but he wasn't too happy. Ugh. He offered 10,500. Thats pretty good actually. ALMOST covers my loan.

This challenge is looking up!

How to Sell Your Car

Ok well I am not sure how to sell my car yet, but here is what I am doing so far:

I owe a pretty penny on this baby, but its less than the car is worth. I just got off the phone with THE nicest guy who told me I can't get the title from them until I pay them. Ok, so I have to sell this baby ASAP.

So I washed it,

bought signs for it,

and took its picture for the world wide web!

Here is what my car looks like now:

I got it professionally washed and vacuumed. Here is my ad on CRAIGSLIST

(Ok yeah, so I upped the price. The advice I got was to have a higher starting value so I could negotiate down to the $11,900 price. I really can't go for less than that because thats what I owe on the loan.)

My next idea is to shop it around to the myriad used car buyers... wish me luck!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

7:43 am...

Two minutes before my alarm goes off, the guy who I had an appointment with today cancels.

Not a good start...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Being Young and making mistakes

Oh man! I am trying to sell my car and finding it very hard! I am paying back a loan, so I don't have the title and its just a whole big mess. My parents never taught me anything.

I have time though. Right? And an appointment tomorrow at three! I was smart and set it up in the Ralph's parking lot near my house. Oh man. If I sell my car, I know its really happening.

Check my ad on Craigslist.

Wish me luck!

Bye bye baby.

Monday, July 20, 2009

41 Days and Roller Coaster Metaphor

Ever ride a roller coaster and you're going up that big, steep hill before the terrifying drop? Or you're about to give a presentation, or a wedding speech or sing or something? There are those few moments right before, when you know your turn is up, the bell tolls for you and you can't get out of this no matter what you do and you are totally and completely screwed?

Friday, July 17, 2009

okay okay

I told myself that if I allowed myself to wallow on my blog and get all morose, I would have to then do something productive. I did said that, didn't I?

Things to do in the next 44 days:

1. Fix car
2. Sell car
3. Send Michael off to NYC to look at apartments. (Michael is roommate. Name not changed! He wouldn't mind)
4. So...find apartment by proxy through Michael without losing mind and getting so scared that I have to pee twelve times before bed and then not even be able to sleep.
5. Kill poltergeist
6. Buy Hubcap a ticket for Catair
7. Have some kind of little dinner or party to say goodbye
8. Make sure sister gets set up with new roommate
9. End things with manager
10. Quit job at THIRTY DAYS
11. Go to two weddings
12. Pull $2000 out of thin air
13. Pack all my stuff up
14. Find mind and lock it securely in my head
15. Plan out road trip across the country
16. Find some balls and put them on
17. Let go.

44 days and three reasons to leave Los Angeles

Yeah. So far not a good day. First of all my computer is going nuts. My computer has a poltergeist. My mouse keeps drifting to the top of the page and clicking on the X and trying to make me either "navigate from the page" or quit! And sometimes it pulls all my words off the page with it and either deletes them or puts them in funny order. Its a very witty ghost. I hate it.

Also I think my anxiety may be manifesting itself into something very serious. This is the site I found at 2:30 in the morning. Not sleeping.

So I am losing it. Yup. Going off the deep end for sure.

Meanwhile, here are some shitty pictures of L.A.

Gangs in MacArthur Park

Parking Ticket Once a Month