Sunday, March 1, 2009

New York "Thing"

Me...less defeated.

This New York thing might be my last chance.

I am a non-working actor in Los Angeles. I am disgruntled to say the least. It isn’t happening. I love acting. I love theatre. I think it is important, but somehow this business has not opened up to me in almost three years and I am tired. I do not want to schmooze agents and managers. I feel fake, which I cannot STAND.

I watch all these bridal showers and baby showers on the weekend. People get married. I want that so badly. My twenty-six-year-old heart and body wants CHILDREN and to make a HOME. And I am sitting in it thinking, "And what? You’re going to give all this up?" This WHAT??? This "professional waitress"ing like the horrible woman at trivia was so keen to tell me I am. I am not acting. I don’t even want to go to class. I don’t want to audition. I don’t want to do Los Angeles anymore.

Ha. Also my old acting teacher emailed me to remind me that I promised I would do a scene. I’m a big fat liar and a cheat and I’m a quitter and this sucks.

I feel like Alexander who had The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day. He was sure everything would be fine if he moved to Australia. Or am I Kate Winslet and Leo in Revolutionary Road? If I don't go to France... (trying not to spoil the movie)...bad things will happen? If you’ve seen it you REALLY know what I mean.

I have to go to New York. I have to give this thing one last shot. I can go for it in theatre there. I know that game much better.

But what if I fail? Worse...what if or how or when do I give up?

What if I could be really happy doing something totally normal and safe?

1 comment:

  1. Even if you fail a little bit, NEVER lose the passion that you have. You will make it!