When You Go Out to Eat

I have worked at over ten restaurants in my day. That’s a lot. I have worked at California Pizza Kitchen for two years, Denny’s, IHOP, Tokyo Cafe, Schlotzskys, and Bizou (among others). And when I say that people don’t know how to act when they go to a restaurant, I know what I am talking about.

Here is a little list of rules (dare I say COMMANDMENTS) that people should follow should they ever decide to set foot in any kind of restaurant, respectable or otherwise. I may add more later. This is a very important issue.

1. The bread you get at the beginning is free. No one gets tipped on it. Don’t ask for more. Don’t ask for it toasted. Don’t ask if there is any more "nut bread" because there isn’t. No one has time for this petty request.

2. When the corkage is 2$ that means I don’t have to pour it for you. Sorry.

3. When the waiter comes to your table to check to see if you need anything, that’s your chance to tell him or her if you need anything. You do not get to say "Lemons!" and when he or she comes back say, "More nut bread." You get one chance. That is all.

4. Do not bring your children out to a nice restaurant if they do not know how to act. They must sit in the chair provided for them and not get up unless chaperoned to the restroom. There are no kids’ menus at fine dining restaurants. Do not ask for one. Do not expect one. Get your kid the chicken, and do not mess with the recipe. Your kid does NOT get to wander. Get a babysitter. We are in a recession. Anyone will do it!

5. When ordering: look at the menu. Do not order the pork tenderloin and then ask what it comes with. It’s on the GD menu. Read the menu. That’s what it’s for.

6. If you don’t like what you ordered because of the ingredients that are clearly on the menu that you didn’t read, you have to eat it. No sending it back. Ever.

7. If you DO change the menu you eat what you ordered. Say the sesame coated salmon comes with burgundy wine sauce and potato pancakes. You decide to get lemon cream sauce and saffron shrimp risotto. You have ruined the dish. When it doesn’t taste right, it is your fault. Do not send it back. You are not a chef. Get what is on the menu or go to Burger King. This isn’t "have it your way" This isn’t hamburgers, it’s a recipe slaved over and tested and approved. You are an idiot if you think you know better than a chef who owns THE most popular restaurant on Ventura Blvd.

8. Pay attention to the time. If the restaurant closes at 10pm. Pay your bill before that. Under no circumstances should you order a dessert after 10pm. It will be spit in.

10. Do not question the waiter. You may think that a restaurant has escargot. If the waiter says, "No we have never had escargot." Do not ask him or her to go check in the kitchen. They do not have escargot. You are an idiot. The waiter is there every day with the same food. You are thinking of another place.

11. If you tip even a penny less than 15% your will be cursed and bad luck will come to you. The standard is now 18-20%. If the service is good, any less is beyond shameful.

12. NEVER make the waitress decide who gets to pay the bill. This is very uncomfortable and she knows her tip is at stake. If there is going to be a fight about who gets to pay, leave it between you and your party, do not put it on the person who has ten other tables and has been on her feet for six hours already. It’s disgusting.

Anyway, I have been working since 10:45 this morning and am not looking forward to another double tomorrow. I’m a little bitter.

Anyone know some other rules I may have missed?